1. Natalie Portman: Don't feel quite inadequate enough when talking to a beautiful woman? Well factor in Portman's degree from Harvard, multiple languages, and extensive knowledge of Star Wars trivia and you're pretty much screwed. The only way she could get more perfect is if she sneezed gold coins. And who knows, she might.

2. Megan Fox: Fox is pretty much perfect, aside from that pesky engagement to Brian Austin Green and a few ill-advised tattoos. The Transformers beauty will star in the film's sequel, hopefully as a robot who's sole function is to play Guitar Hero and give handjobs. No need to thank us Michael Bay--consider that little plot gem a gift.

3. Eva Mendes: Is it weird that her stint in rehab made her hotter? Oh it is? Well la-di-da your highness. I guess her perfect ass, luscious lips and balls-out attitude will have to suffice.

4. Scarlett Johannson: Let's forget about that little "Ryan Reynolds" problem and focus in on her smoking hot make out scene with Penelope Cruz in Vicky Christina Barcelona. It shouldn't be difficult since the bodacious the 23-year-old has been starring in your fantasies for at least 3 years. Pervert.

5. Jessica Biel: Movie role or not, if Adam Sandler got to grab her boobs then there's hope for us all. Of course I am kidding. A woman who can kick your ass at pretty much any sport and looks that good doing it needs a man that's 1 part Tom Brady, 1 part James Bond and 1 part Peter North. Unless of course you're a skinny wigger who sings like a chick. Then you're golden.

Three never to let your penis near, ever:

1. Kirsten Dunst: The worst part about hooking up with her wouldn't be the endless Feist playlist--it'd be the shame of admitting the sores on your lip are from her snaggleteeth, not good old fashioned herpes.

2. Mary Kate Olsen: Even in Thailand this must count as pedophilia. I don't care what size Trojans you wear, you'd tear this chick in half. Then instead of just doing the usual--going to the bathroom then hiding under the sink until she leaves for work the next day--you'd have to go to all the trouble of disposing of a body. But how hard can ditching a 66 pounds corpse really be?

3. Lauren Conrad: What a cold fish. Can you imagine more boring sex? You'd keep having to stop and punch her in the face to make sure she's still alive. Or at the very least tape a picture of Audrina over her face to drown out the sound of her calling you Brody.